The Snackcident

Oh hey there, I’m back. It’s been a while. I’d like to say I’ve been so busy doing all manner of productive things and projects that I had no time to blog but let’s be honest here, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Most recently I’ve been using Christmas as an excuse to sit on the sofa, watch Elf and stuff my face with anything I can reach. Although the festive period is now well and truly over – happy new year and all that jazz – I don’t seem to have got the memo. The other day we ate a chocolate orange for dinner and didn’t even feel that sick; I wasn’t sure whether to feel proud or appalled.

Yes, it seems I have become some kind of human-slug hybrid. You’re more likely to succumb to the symptoms of this condition during the Christmas season as treats are plentiful and it becomes socially acceptable to eat chocolate for breakfast, or indeed any meal of the day.

See? I’m an actual slug
And this brings me to the subject of this blog post – what’s that? There’s actually a theme to all this nonsensical rambling? Yes, my friends there is. And that theme is the Snackcident. Trust me, even if you’ve never heard of this strange and quite frankly made-up word, you’ll be familiar with the experience. Because let’s face it, nobody plans to become a human slug. In fact, in the run up to Christmas every year I solemnly vow that I’m ‘not going to go overboard’ with cakes, crisps and sweets but I’m going to try and be sensible. Stay healthy. Sounds smart, doesn’t it? The only problem with that is it NEVER happens. NEVER. What’s that saying? Oh yes, that’s it: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. In this case, the road to hell is paved with delicious Christmas treats and I scoff every single one as I skip happily across it.
No, I start by just having the odd treat in the evening. A little glass of Baileys and ice and a segment of Toblerone. Or maybe a couple of Roses. All very civilised. This is standard snacking and I’ve got no issue with that, it’s all good. It’s what happens next that causes consternation: the Snackcident. Because somewhere during the next few hours, I become engrossed in whatever Netflix trash I’m watching and forget all about the snacks at hand but – and this is key here – my subconscious brain doesn’t. My arm will move automatically towards the tub of chocolate, my greedy little paws will rip their way through the gloriously coloured foiled wrappers and without even thinking more chocolate will find its way into my mouth. I barely even notice.
Next time I look up there will be more wrappers than chocolates and although part of me is horrified, there’s another sneaky little voice at the back of my mind that will pipe up ‘Well, you’ve eaten half the tub now, may as well eat the rest and DESTROY THE EVIDENCE’. Yes, it turns out my inner monologue is a criminal genius. And lo and behold there is the justification, so I do as suggested and get stuck in.
Now the pattern is set, it can happen with any type of food. Cheese has been my downfall this year, it’s like I actually can’t stop eating it. Once minute I’m cutting dainty little slices to place upon a cracker, the next THE ENTIRE BLOCK HAS GONE. I’m pretty sure my third chin is made entirely from cheese – I’m only half joking here.
The Snackcident isn’t exclusive to Christmas, although I do seem to suffer from it rather badly at this time of year and it’s worse with certain types of food. Biscuits, for example, are the devil’s work here. I feel like they were designed especially for Snackcidents. You start with two biscuits to go with your tea – and let’s not beat around the bush here, the only reason you’ve got tea is because you wanted the biscuits – and then you’ve accidentally eaten five. This is before you’ve even finished boiling the kettle. Once the tea is made, you need two more biscuits to dunk in your beverage (yes I know, I know, I’m an ANIMAL) but then the biscuits are gone and you still have a mug full of boring brown liquid. Five minutes later and you’ve probably polished off the entire pack and are hurriedly brushing the crumbs away before any witnesses appear.
Working in an office makes Snackcidents particularly prevalent as well. I’ll buy the multi-pack of crisps, you think, and share them with the office. Great idea, so very generous of you. Except there are only two of you in your office and now you have ten packs of French Fries. Oh and did I mention they’re only 99 calories per packet? May as well have three each! You see where I’m going with this. I can neither confirm nor deny that this actually happened.
Then there are office birthdays. You’ve just started a healthy eating regime for the new year and you’re determined that this time, you’ll stick to it. But then Jeff from IT whizzes round a jaunty email making you aware that cakes are out in the main office; come and help yourselves! Once you know that Bad Things are present in the building, it’s pretty much all you can think about and suddenly your superfood salad looks limp and unappealing. The next thing you know you’re eating Black Forest Gateau for breakfast followed by a slice of banana bread and some party rings. And damn, it feels good. What a time to be alive.
Shut up salad, nobody likes you
One of the main problems with the Snackcident is that it’s like a delicious, over-indulgent ninja that can creep up on you at any time without warning. You might be high on the exercise smugs, preparing lentil soup as your post-workout snack when you open the fridge and BAM! The lentils are cast aside in favour of chocolate or cheese or whatever tempting morsel was lurking within the shelves and it’s only a few minutes later when you’re jolted from this feeding frenzy, bleary eyed and confused, that you realise what has taken place.

There is one simple method that can stop the Snackcident in its tracks – will power. Unfortunately I don’t seem to possess much of this at all (See previous blogs about running and procrastinating and, well, all of them actually). What I need to do is develop an iron will that won’t be swayed by the prospect of a white chocolate and raspberry cookie (yum!) or the lure of the chocolate orange. In fact, I think that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Right after I’ve eaten this biscuit.

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